College application as non-native speaker - need some help

    • Krach-Bumm-Ente
      Krach-Bumm-Ente
      Black
      Joined: 01.05.2006 Posts: 10,405
      Hi guys,

      I want to apply to the Ohio State University and I'm not a native speaker, would be great if someone could correct any mistakes you might encounter.

      - Consider your talents and strengths, academic and otherwise. What is one thing you do really well?

      My answer:
      As a rifle shooter I'm used to compete for long periods of time at a high level. This helps me to maintain focus throughout whatever task I have to deal with. Especially for studying this quality serves me really well.

      Since I apply for an athletic scholarship as a rifle shooter in the OSU varsity I figured I'd connect my athletic qualities with my academic qualities. Are there any spelling/grammar mistakes or would you write something completely different?

      - If you feel that your high school performance was adversely affected by special circumstances, please summarize, indicating dates when applicable.

      Answer:
      My parents divorced when I was in 7th grade, I didn't do well in school the following year. Other than that there were no special circumstances.

      Any mistakes?

      - Why are you interested in The Ohio State University?
      Instructions:

      Limit your response to 300 words. Reflect on your answer and be attentive to spelling and grammar. There is no "right" answer to this question.

      Answer:
      From an athletic point of view I share a common problem in Germany: Athletics are not recognized as an important part of education. An athlete who attends a university in Germany will have to either reduce his training frequency wonder if this okaya lot or disregard his studies to a certain degree.
      In the US, athletics are recognized as a key part of education. The college teams are a major part of every university and competitions attract thousands of spectators.
      The Buckeyes are a well known team with great athletes, coaches and practice conditions. Every athlete dreams to be part of such a big family.
      In my opinion,? OSU is the perfect place for me to perform well in both academics and athletics without losing sight of either one.
      From my personal point of view, studying abroad has always been a dream. Not only because I want to improve my English further, but because I want to get to know new cultures and people in a completely different part of the world.
      As a flagship university with a student body of more than 50000 people, OSU is a leading university in the US and worldwide and attracts every student who attaches importance to organization, structure and good surrounding conditions.
      I'm sure that OSU can offer me anything I need and that I can give back to OSU by performing well in both academics and athletics, representing OSU in the entire US and across borders. and by paying horrendous fees even with a scholarship :(

      Might be a little bit cheesy, I don't know. Apart from grammar/spelling mistakes, would you change something contenwise?

      Thanks a lot!

      edit: my essay contains about 230 words, so theres plenty more space to schmooze
  • 11 replies
    • i5bet72o
      i5bet72o
      Bronze
      Joined: 17.06.2010 Posts: 1,615
      Your first sentence isnt gr8 grammer
      u could say: "German university athletes face a common problem namely athletics are not recognized....
      second sentence: "...in Germany must either reduce training or disregard...
      Cut out the "in my opinion", my uni english teacher always says: You're writing of course its your opion, there is no point saying it.
      Also cut out "From my personal point of view" for the same reason, but add "for me" at the end of the sentence.
      also take out the "get to know" and write "experience." This is not bad grammer, it just doesnt sound good.
      remove "entire" from the last sentence. replace "across boarders" with abroad.
    • p0rkus
      p0rkus
      Bronze
      Joined: 03.03.2009 Posts: 230
      Hey p0rkus here to help you!

      - Consider your talents and strengths, academic and otherwise. What is one thing you do really well?

      My answer:
      As a rifle shooter, I'm used to competing for long periods of time at a high level. This helps me maintain focus in other areas of life. My ability to study is greatly influenced by this. Since I am applying for an athletic scholarship, I feel that it would be of particular importance to mention the influene that sport has in my life.

      If you feel that your high school performance was adversely affected by special circumstances, please summarize, indicating dates when applicable.

      Answer:
      My parents divorced when I was in 7th grade, I didn't do well in school the following year. Other than that there were no special circumstances.

      - Why are you interested in The Ohio State University?
      Instructions:

      Limit your response to 300 words. Reflect on your answer and be attentive to spelling and grammar. There is no "right" answer to this question.

      Answer:
      From an athletic point of view, I share a common problem with many other Germans: Athletics are not recognized as an important part of education. An athlete who attends a German university will either be forced to sacrifice his training frequency a lot, or disregard his studies to a certain degree.
      In the US, however, athletics are recognized as a key part of education. The college teams are a major part of every university and their competitions attract thousands of spectators.
      The Buckeyes are a well known team with great athletes, coaches and practice conditions. Every athlete dreams to be part of such a big family.
      I highly believe that OSU is the perfect place for me to perform well in both academics and athletics without losing sight of either one.
      Personnaly, studying abroad has always been a dream. Not only because I want to improve my English further, but because I want to get to know new cultures and people in a completely different part of the world.
      As a flagship university with a student body of more than 50000 people, OSU is a leading university worldwide and attracts every student who attaches importance to organization, structure and good surrounding conditions.
      I'm sure that OSU can offer me anything I need and that I can give back to OSU by performing well in both academics and athletics, representing OSU in the entire US and across borders.

      Note: I only changed what you wrote - I am not going to try and add stuff
    • Anssi
      Anssi
      Black
      Joined: 03.07.2008 Posts: 2,173
      p0rkus, you should highlight which parts you chanced.
    • Berzerger
      Berzerger
      Bronze
      Joined: 24.03.2008 Posts: 910
      Originally posted by i5bet72o
      Your first sentence isnt gr8 grammer
      Oh the irony...
    • Berzerger
      Berzerger
      Bronze
      Joined: 24.03.2008 Posts: 910
      Pretty much copy-paste what p0rkus wrote, except maybe for a few minor details:
      Originally posted by p0rkus
      Answer:
      From an athletic point of view, I share a common problem with many other Germans: athletics are not recognized as an important part of education. An athlete who attends a German university will either be forced to sacrifice his training frequency a lot, or disregard his studies to a certain degree.

      In the US, however, athletics are recognized as a key part of education. The college teams are a major part of every university and their competitions attract thousands of spectators. The Buckeyes are a well known team with great athletes, coaches and practice conditions. Every athlete dreams to be part of such a big family. I highly believe that OSU is the perfect place for me to perform well in both academics and athletics without losing sight of either one.

      Personally, studying abroad has always been a dream for me (it's clear that the text is from your POV, but without this the sentence sounds a tiny bit weird). Not only because I want to improve my English further, but also because I want to get to know new cultures and people in a completely different part of the world. As a flagship university with a student body of more than 50000 people, OSU is a leading university worldwide and attracts any student who attaches importance to organization, structure and good surrounding conditions.

      I'm sure that OSU can offer me anything I need and that I can give back to OSU by performing well in both academics and athletics, representing OSU in the entire US and across borders.
      If there's a native English speaker here, feel free to correct or further adjust.
    • i5bet72o
      i5bet72o
      Bronze
      Joined: 17.06.2010 Posts: 1,615
      Originally posted by Berzerger
      Originally posted by i5bet72o
      Your first sentence isnt gr8 grammer
      Oh the irony...
      I am a native english speaker+i am taking english in a canadian uni but i dont really focus on grammer when posting on a forum.
    • THESHade
      THESHade
      Bronze
      Joined: 25.03.2010 Posts: 5,418
      lulz, I was jsut skimming through it and I can tell u that u miss a looot of articles + some "marginal" mistakes
      Will look at it tomorrow if I ll have some time
    • joecar
      joecar
      Silver
      Joined: 09.04.2008 Posts: 347
      As a (competitive/amateur/professional??) rifle shooter, I compete at a high level and for long periods of time. I train to focus while I compete and this has vastly helped me off the range with everyday life. This is especially applicable with my studies. Being considered for an athletic scholarship as a rifle shooter for Ohio State University varsity is of great interest to me.



      My parents divorced when I was in 7th grade and I struggled in school the following year. Expand on how you overcame problem and improved your studies (Faced with a problem and how you applied yourself to improve it)



      As a problem with many aspiring students from Germany with an athletic interest, the importance of athletics is not recognized within the education system. German University athletes have to find a common balance between studies and training (with no recognition for our training/athletics). In the United States, athletics is not only appreciated, but is expressed passionately by the athletes and the student population. The Buckeyes are well known nationally for their amazing athletes, coaches and community. It’s an athlete’s dreams to become part of such a big family. In my opinion, Ohio State University is the perfect place for me to perform well both academically and athletically. Being able to study abroad has always been a passion of mine. Not only for the opportunity to improve my English, but to be exposed to new cultures and communities.

      As a flagship University with a student body of more than 50 000 people, OSU is not only a leading University in the US, but worldwide. I am certain that OSU is the institution for me and I will prove myself both in academics and athletics. I yearn for the chance to represent OSU and what they stand for....

      *Horrendous fees – puts school in bad light
      *University capitalized
      * need emotion
      * use OSU and US expanded forms for first use
      50 space 000

      Ending
      It would be an honour and privilege to be able to receive the insert scholarship name here.
    • Berzerger
      Berzerger
      Bronze
      Joined: 24.03.2008 Posts: 910
      Originally posted by i5bet72o
      Originally posted by Berzerger
      Originally posted by i5bet72o
      Your first sentence isnt gr8 grammer
      Oh the irony...
      I am a native english speaker+i am taking english in a canadian uni but i dont really focus on grammer when posting on a forum.
      Didn't intend to sound demeaning in any way, I just found it funny that you're helping him to fix his grammar, but misspelled the word itself.
    • p0rkus
      p0rkus
      Bronze
      Joined: 03.03.2009 Posts: 230
      Should have done a spell check but it was late and I was tired :)

      But for your information US universities LOOOOOOVE non-US students (Especially from Europe) - so you won't have much of a problem :) \

      Thanks for correcting me Berzerger.
      joecar wrote a much better version because he actually bothered to change stuff around - so I would just use that
    • Anraxas
      Anraxas
      Bronze
      Joined: 21.03.2010 Posts: 989
      I'm not going to say anything about the grammar because there are people here who speak/write English much better than I ever will :)

      I do have one remark about this question:
      - If you feel that your high school performance was adversely affected by special circumstances, please summarize, indicating dates when applicable.

      Answer:
      My parents divorced when I was in 7th grade, I didn't do well in school the following year. Other than that there were no special circumstances.

      In my opinion you should mention the divorce but give it a positive spin. Not that divorces are a fantastic experience, but that you learned something from it. Having that life experience makes you better equiped to deal with unexpected events and learned you never to give up no matter how bleek (is this the right word) the situation looked.