Winning with myself

    • franeczek
      franeczek
      Global
      Joined: 22.03.2009 Posts: 2,439
      Hi everyone! I am back blogging thanks to my mental coach that immediately when I told him that I had a blog force me to make another one cause he knew how uncomfortable it makes me to wrote about all of this stuff.
      (I hate you Erik ;) )


      :diamond:P oker journey :diamond:

      I have been poker pro for like 2 years. Not great but a really solid winner. I never moved up from nl50-100 grinding there with like 8bb on nl50 and 4bb on nl100 wnirate.
      I was living the balla life spending like 4k € per month and didn't care about the money at all. Never saved anything just having funny with all of the money I was making...
      Now when I think about it it was probably the most stupid thing that happened in my life. Yet it was the way I was living.


      :spade:D oomswith :spade:

      I haven't seen this coming. Basically I thought that no matter what I am too smart and will always find my way out. When Black Friday happened I was grinding UB lost my whole bankroll, it took me like 2months got staking with Gerv sold my bankroll on Ub and was back at nl50-nl100 as normal.
      It made me thing that I am invincible whatever will happen I will make it but I was wrong.

      First month and I was already like 30BI below EV but still didn't cut any expenses cause still had like 5-6k € bankroll but then second moth was even worse. I got crushed and because my roll was becoming smaller and smaller it was harder with every day coming.
      I was never good in the mental side of poker to be honest even in real life it is the biggest weakness I have.
      It crushed me inside. The combinations of fear + tilt and I was done playing really poorly and losing shit ton of money. I thought it is over and I wont be able to achieve my goals in life. It was devastating.

      Imagine yourself one month you are balla living great life (In Poland 4k€ per month is a ton), 2 months later you are almost broke and you need to move to your parents because you can't really comfortably rent an apartment with the money you have (I mean maybe I could but after 2months of losing I didn't feel that I beat the game anymore).
      It wasn't that It was over I am really well educated so could still go back to being a barrister with 2 yers gap it would be hard probably but I was really good so probably still could make at least some money.
      I just never wanted to this in my life always wanted to travel and I was already on my way to Thailand or Malta when the doomswitch happened.

      So I hit the rock bottom and got to probably the lowest point in my life.

      :heart: We are all retarded :heart:

      I used to read and watch Jared Tendler book and watch his vids, same for Tomy Angelo and our polish coach lechrumski. It never helped I was the same tilty retard. It wasn't the issue in the past cause I was huge winner depsite the fact that I was tilting like crazy (if someone doesn't believe me here is some old thread from my ZOOM staking: link)
      However because of the doomswitch (in like 3 months I was like 100BI below EV didn't make any money and lost like 20BI while I played like 180k hands) I wasn't able to play even my B-Game. It was really sad when all of your friends play like nl200+ and ask Frank what is going on? and you can't pretend that it is ok anymore. I was fighting with myself and I was losing that fight. I couldn't blame anyone else cause I knew that I couldn't handle me and my emotions.I feelt like I lost the fight with myself and I was probably done with poker.

      One day when I was browsing 2+2 forum I found a blog of someone who claimed to be a mental coach. I was so low that I would probably try anything at that point so I took a shot and pm'ed him.
      We did our first session mostly that was me talking how fucking unlucky I am and how poker is rigged :D but still Erik was able to make me think in many cases and immediatelly after the session I felt better which was probably first time in like 3months. I was less tilty and saw some hope for me.
      Since then we have been working on my mental game for like 2 months already I did a huge progress. If there was a mental scale from 0 to 10 and I am like 2 now but I was 0 in the past so there is a huge improvement.
      I started to slowly claw back my way in poker. I work really hard on my game and try to improve as much as I can. I know that I will be back and I will succeed it is just a matter of time and how much work it will cost me but I will make it.

      What is the funniest thing is that I was almost broke and had to move to my parents (being almost 27...) but still I have been enjoing it.
      I mean because I started to work on myself and who I am it makes me way more happy. It wasn't the case in the past. I was always smart but never happy. I never enjoyed the person that I was but I was too feared to change anything cause it was everything I had. In the last 2 month I become way better person and I have way better contact with my siblings and my parents and overall I enjoy being myself way more.
      So basically me fighting to become the person I always wanted makes me way more happy than all of the money I had in the past.

      :club: Now and Future :club:

      So here I am working every day to improve. I don't play all that much but do a ton of venting on paper and working on my game. So it is more me trying to tilt as little as possible and playing as well as I can. Things are getting way better.

      Have couple of goals. Firstly want to finally move to Thailand within couple of months but I learned from the past so I need to save at least 10k+ first in order to move.
      Then I want to transition to PLO cause it is way more fun but I can't do this with my current mindset cause it is the game that feeds my biggest fears :s_frown: .

      I know that I will make it. It is just a matter of time.
  • 14 replies
    • Pkrpains
      Pkrpains
      Bronze
      Joined: 04.10.2010 Posts: 382
      Hey man, we share a similiar story and we start our blogs the same day. Wish you recover, trust me I know how it hurts to get back to the very basement. :diamond:
    • franeczek
      franeczek
      Global
      Joined: 22.03.2009 Posts: 2,439
      So promised myself to write here like once a week but don't want this blog to become a whining wall. I record every session try to improve the hardest I ever tried and I am still losing.
      I can't no longer blame variance cause I doubt there can be a swing like that. Need to cut my expenses even further and try to survive somehow. That's everything what is left for me.

      Tilt and running bad is taking the best from me. I think that I am trying to push it to hard and make finally some money but I am not able. It tilts me to no end. I work really hard with my tilt issue I vent a lot and think about poker all the time yet I am getting crushed.
    • franeczek
      franeczek
      Global
      Joined: 22.03.2009 Posts: 2,439
      It has been a month since I switched to play full rings to avoind tilting. The games are lol soft compared to 6-max but the action is almost dead. I can't even find 12 tables at Party nl50 so need to mix nl25 and nl50 for good action.
      Yesterday had like really akward session but one possitive thing is that I posted hand to evaluatoin forum and get great advices from BogdanPS so at least I learned from the mistakes+ I posted the hands despite being ashamed of my play :f_mad:
      I do a lot of venting and working with mental coach. The only problem is that it kills my volume and it is hard to play 3 sessions per day if you have so much work to do while playing (nad I play only 1hour max due to my tilt issues) :f_cry:
      One thing that I learned is that I need a bigger bankroll so I won't move to nl100 till I reach 4k in my roll. Hopefully if I don't get crushed by variance should be this month

      Results so far after switching to nitrings:



      Goals for now:
      :club: improving playing in 3b pots, I don't barell well enough suck with my game plan many times.
      :diamond: trusting the regfish, they don't semi-bluff or turn hand into a bluff,they did some retarded trap for you to pay them off :f_mad:
      :spade: Being on track with improving. Every day is a good day to improve
      :heart: Meditate more, I suck at meditaing and mindfullness even when I play need to increase my self awereness cause I won't be able to spot my tilt pattern better with out.
    • TetraQuark
      TetraQuark
      Bronze
      Joined: 21.05.2008 Posts: 1,520
      WB! :f_grin:
    • Rogier
      Rogier
      Coach
      Coach
      Joined: 11.08.2006 Posts: 13,212
      improving your (psychical) health should help your (mental) health too :)

      Do you have any plans for gym and eating good food?

      As for moving to Thailand:
      -CM/BKK have worse air quality than what you're used to
      -Phuket/Samui are tourist places that you'll get fed up with in 2 months.
      -Pattaya only allows a degenerate lifestyle.

      I'd recommend BKK though, fun city to party at, good infrastructure etc and still as affordable as you want it to be (living for $1k or for $6k is possible, I'd be able to live on $2k or something like that :P )
    • franeczek
      franeczek
      Global
      Joined: 22.03.2009 Posts: 2,439
      Originally posted by Rogier
      improving your (psychical) health should help your (mental) health too :)

      Do you have any plans for gym and eating good food?

      As for moving to Thailand:
      -CM/BKK have worse air quality than what you're used to
      -Phuket/Samui are tourist places that you'll get fed up with in 2 months.
      -Pattaya only allows a degenerate lifestyle.

      I'd recommend BKK though, fun city to party at, good infrastructure etc and still as affordable as you want it to be (living for $1k or for $6k is possible, I'd be able to live on $2k or something like that :P )
      When it goes to Thailiand a friend of mind is there for like 3 years so I hope to get help.
      So far my favourite place is Ko Lanta not so well known and I want to have Ocean. It should be cheaper than Phuket or Pattaya and I am not really in the drugs and hookers mood (and even if I will I just can visit Pukhet for a coupe of days).

      Just Ocean and beaches is the must, what is the point in moving to Thaliand and not living next to it. :f_biggrin:

      When it goes to eating and exercises it is hard but it gets better. Just don't have a place to excersise a lot living in small village in winter (fml), locked in mum basement.
      It is isn't my huge 100m apartment anymore :f_cry: Probably could move somewhere already but don't want to cause I really want to move to Thailand and do my best to bulit my roll back.
      I need like 10k in roll and like 6-7k for living expenses in Thailand to move. So it is better to live cheap now and save as much money as I can and learn a lot. Cause I still have giant leaks that I need to fix.
    • MonaiPlox
      MonaiPlox
      Bronze
      Joined: 04.10.2010 Posts: 1,048
      good luck franeczku
    • franeczek
      franeczek
      Global
      Joined: 22.03.2009 Posts: 2,439
      Decided to vent a little bit here given that I had like terribad session and needed to quit (litterally got crushed by fish). there is always a point when I get annoyed by fish and start to spew. Didn't spew today all that much but was close so had to quit.
      I started trying sth new e.g. overbetting on every street with balanced range but end up getting tons of folds which is supprising cause I am one of the craziest regs on Party Poker. It might be because they just don't adjust and play according to their hand strenght and don't think in terms of what is my range etc and how much do I bluff there.
      Also need to start to make like small bets from time to time, there is too many times situations when Villian range is capped and I bet like 2/3 of the pot because I want to be balanced and Villian is bluffcatching anyway but they don't perceive it that way. They see big bet and their medium hand and they fold.
      So thats like my biggest issue I neveer had problems with red line my blue line sucks. I don't win as much as I should on showdown. Even nits win more than me when they go to showdown ;(

      Month so far:


      Reallly tilted by my volume need to balance it more cause work a lot on my game and mental game of poker and play like 3 sessions per day only (so play like 2.5k hands max). Wish I knew how to play ZOOM :f_cry:
    • franeczek
      franeczek
      Global
      Joined: 22.03.2009 Posts: 2,439
      Here is my graph after bwin joined Party Poker pool:


      Never seen anything like that 2-3 fish at every table, table scanner shows me like 30-40 good table all the time and I get crushed. I am yet to see my KK+ hold postflop :s_evil:

      So fuckin pissed on it cause finally things started to look better and here it is. This time Party decided to doomswitch me. I just can't win anything like 10k hands.
    • SherlockHolmes2ez
      SherlockHolmes2ez
      Bronze
      Joined: 04.03.2012 Posts: 334
      Nice Blog :f_cool: :f_cool: :f_cool:
    • franeczek
      franeczek
      Global
      Joined: 22.03.2009 Posts: 2,439
      So last year was pretty brutal, probably the worst I could imagine. Didn't learn enough, haven't improve even a little bit. At some point I was running really badly and started tilting like crazy. Probably made like half the money I had made in 2011... Things weren't really going the way they should:


      The graph lack of lik 100 k hands, when I doomswitched and removed all the hands from that time just even looking at the graph was painfull.
      Still I played like 600-700k hands in a year which is ridculously small. Since like September when I started running really poorly I couldn't push myself to play and do the right things. I had less and less money and still did everything but not to play.

      I have been watching the Raskolnikov series and decided to change things in my life. Give myself like 3 months (till the end of the March) when I will rush it and do my best to succeeed and If I faill I will just move back to becoming barister, will suck to do this with like close to 3 years gap but hey it is as it is.

      First thing I need to stop bullshitting myself, no excuses anymore. I did the work bla,bla,bla honestly I didn't . Spend quite a bit money on the mental coach but didn't do like half the job I should and at the end I started to procastinate again and didn't do even a simple warm-up.

      So here are my monthly goals:

      :heart: ROUTINE, no more waking up going sleep and doing thing at random time, I need structure and be persistent with it.
      :club: 100k hands per month

      2 new habits I will be on working every day in January


      :spade: Analyzing my own play every day min. 1 hour using Gordon 5 step process so:
      1)General Hypothesis
      2)Smart Guessing
      3)Statistics
      4)Empirical Evidence
      5) CHECK, EVALUATE and THINK

      I want to do this first thing in the morning after waking up.
      Then after breakfest


      :diamond: Analyzing 5 regs that I play with daily
      Will focus on findnig expliotable tendencies that particular player use and how (if) he exploit some of my tendencies.


      Homework daily:
      *10 equity analysis each day,
      *10 inveting scenarios
      *5 opponent Analysis

      First time every day when I wake up.
    • kloose
      kloose
      Coach
      Coach
      Joined: 20.10.2009 Posts: 1,387
      how's goin?
    • franeczek
      franeczek
      Global
      Joined: 22.03.2009 Posts: 2,439
      Originally posted by kloose
      how's goin?
      Hard to say. There is like many things that I have to work on. I haven't yet fully recovered from the downswing and I am worried to play. After having great 2011 the 2012 was really bad and I just feel like I need to change something.
      I need to find a way to be back on track, improving and making more money or just stop and move back to becoming a lawyer. I made way less last year due to many things and it isn't a direction I want to go. It felt like my whole life was on a huge downhill to a degree that it seems like not worth it for me anymore.
      So far I have been working really hard on my mental game, learning a lot and trying to establish strong feedback for myself.
      I know that I should play and I should work hard it is just like I can't push myself like the dowswing did broke something in my mind.
      Poker had been like super easy for me for like 1.5 year and then for like 3-4 months it become so tough that I started to question myself. I mean knowing how hard it can be is enough for me to stop playing.

      The thing is that the problem is being me no matter how ridiculous it sounds. Simply poker affect heavily my life to a degree that make me extremly unhappy person and I am tired of working on myself. There is every day something to work on and sometimes I feel like I dont want to do this anymore.
      So the solution is simple, I gave myself like 3 months and will try to work on myself so poker wouldn't affect me that much or I need to quit and push other things in life.

      Current status quo in unacceptable.
    • franeczek
      franeczek
      Global
      Joined: 22.03.2009 Posts: 2,439
      Haven't been posting for a while. Things are going fair not great tho. I struggle a lot with grinding should play way more but I don't. The oly problem is that most of my volume this year was on pokerstars.fr where I just can't win which makes me ashamed of myself. I doubt there is anywhere so many fish like there ( the "regs are just French regs which basically mean another retarded fish) how am I not able to win there is beyond me.

      Struggle a lot with doing proper volume. January was pretty decent but February is just a disaster. What makes it even worse is that there is super cool promo next month for Diamond members and I am afraid that I won't be able to make it due t my laziness...