Sorry for the long post.

This is my limit. I procrastinate other amount of the time fantasizing of playing. I don't do anything important, though. Though I'm only at 0.01 0.02 zoom, am earning around 2.7 USD per hour in avarage after first 30 hours 2-tabling zoom tables.

I have this emotional issues. I have quite a lot of perfectionism (self harted), so I'm starting doing the compassion exercises and listening to dhamma talks, though listening to them is kind of procrastionation. In fact I don't value this training of "metta" enough. I did it like twice and I know it exist for at least half a year.

I know my self esteem is really poor and I have a big fear of being criticised, so of course I'm also the same - criticising a lot. I have become quite avoidant, too.

Now the question is the following. What advice would be proper for a guy like me who doesn't feel motivation to play (I'm not sure if it's either - fear of winning or loosing - maybe it's the rebellion part of myself that hates to work ...), but would really like to live independent of parents (concously at least, I guess, who knows what is going on in the unconcous - it may be the opposite ... but well, if this is the truth, then all my concous efforts are in waste:/), but can't stick to play more then 2-3 hours daily ...

Zoom is OK, tournaments and normal speed cash game kills me, although I do have good skills in adjusting, but I'm just too impulsive to be patient enough and wait for others ...

After I play for a while, like 20 mins or something, it becomes boring. Results doesn't mather, it's how much motivation it is behind the scene. It can be 20 mins or 50 mins. Rarely more. After I take the break, I can't seem to be able to get back for like hours ... so I have around 4 30 mins session troughout the day, and that's it.

It's eaiser in the evening, though, because otherwise parents and grandma drag about "gambling" thing. Based on advantures without cashing out they're right being concered, but it was titling back then, now I learned enough from this and for the sake of fun, I may sometimes go and play a toruney or omaha, which I shouldn't, but this will kill like an hour or two of profit at most, and this happens once weekly, so no big worries. But yeah, I'm not willing to cash out unless I play 2 x 50 USD zoom tables and be able to earn like 1,000 USD monthly to be able to have a normal wage at least and to move out.

But still, I'd like to be able to play at least 6-7 hours daily and earn even more.

I'm also in psychoanalysis for the last 2 months, but this will take on for years, so no special gains from it.

Maybe also the issue is when I STARTED playing poker (when I was like 19), it was really to "win big amounts really quickly", but now I'm trying to take it diferently ... (and may have issues with somehow fighting to induce motivation that doesn't exist??)