Hi everyone! I am back blogging thanks to my mental coach that immediately when I told him that I had a blog force me to make another one cause he knew how uncomfortable it makes me to wrote about all of this stuff.
(I hate you Erik 
)
I have been poker pro for like 2 years. Not great but a really solid winner. I never moved up from nl50-100 grinding there with like 8bb on nl50 and 4bb on nl100 wnirate.
I was living the balla life spending like 4k € per month and didn't care about the money at all. Never saved anything just having funny with all of the money I was making...
Now when I think about it it was probably the most stupid thing that happened in my life. Yet it was the way I was living.
I haven't seen this coming. Basically I thought that no matter what I am too smart and will always find my way out. When Black Friday happened I was grinding UB lost my whole bankroll, it took me like 2months got staking with Gerv sold my bankroll on Ub and was back at nl50-nl100 as normal.
It made me thing that I am invincible whatever will happen I will make it but I was wrong.
First month and I was already like 30BI below EV but still didn't cut any expenses cause still had like 5-6k € bankroll but then second moth was even worse. I got crushed and because my roll was becoming smaller and smaller it was harder with every day coming.
I was never good in the mental side of poker to be honest even in real life it is the biggest weakness I have.
It crushed me inside. The combinations of fear + tilt and I was done playing really poorly and losing shit ton of money. I thought it is over and I wont be able to achieve my goals in life. It was devastating.
Imagine yourself one month you are balla living great life (In Poland 4k€ per month is a ton), 2 months later you are almost broke and you need to move to your parents because you can't really comfortably rent an apartment with the money you have (I mean maybe I could but after 2months of losing I didn't feel that I beat the game anymore).
It wasn't that It was over I am really well educated so could still go back to being a barrister with 2 yers gap it would be hard probably but I was really good so probably still could make at least some money.
I just never wanted to this in my life always wanted to travel and I was already on my way to Thailand or Malta when the doomswitch happened.
So I hit the rock bottom and got to probably the lowest point in my life.
I used to read and watch Jared Tendler book and watch his vids, same for Tomy Angelo and our polish coach lechrumski. It never helped I was the same tilty retard. It wasn't the issue in the past cause I was huge winner depsite the fact that I was tilting like crazy (if someone doesn't believe me here is some old thread from my ZOOM staking: link)
However because of the doomswitch (in like 3 months I was like 100BI below EV didn't make any money and lost like 20BI while I played like 180k hands) I wasn't able to play even my B-Game. It was really sad when all of your friends play like nl200+ and ask Frank what is going on? and you can't pretend that it is ok anymore. I was fighting with myself and I was losing that fight. I couldn't blame anyone else cause I knew that I couldn't handle me and my emotions.I feelt like I lost the fight with myself and I was probably done with poker.
One day when I was browsing 2+2 forum I found a blog of someone who claimed to be a mental coach. I was so low that I would probably try anything at that point so I took a shot and pm'ed him.
We did our first session mostly that was me talking how fucking unlucky I am and how poker is rigged ♦ but still Erik was able to make me think in many cases and immediatelly after the session I felt better which was probably first time in like 3months. I was less tilty and saw some hope for me.
Since then we have been working on my mental game for like 2 months already I did a huge progress. If there was a mental scale from 0 to 10 and I am like 2 now but I was 0 in the past so there is a huge improvement.
I started to slowly claw back my way in poker. I work really hard on my game and try to improve as much as I can. I know that I will be back and I will succeed it is just a matter of time and how much work it will cost me but I will make it.
What is the funniest thing is that I was almost broke and had to move to my parents (being almost 27...) but still I have been enjoing it.
I mean because I started to work on myself and who I am it makes me way more happy. It wasn't the case in the past. I was always smart but never happy. I never enjoyed the person that I was but I was too feared to change anything cause it was everything I had. In the last 2 month I become way better person and I have way better contact with my siblings and my parents and overall I enjoy being myself way more.
So basically me fighting to become the person I always wanted makes me way more happy than all of the money I had in the past.
So here I am working every day to improve. I don't play all that much but do a ton of venting on paper and working on my game. So it is more me trying to tilt as little as possible and playing as well as I can. Things are getting way better.
Have couple of goals. Firstly want to finally move to Thailand within couple of months but I learned from the past so I need to save at least 10k+ first in order to move.
Then I want to transition to PLO cause it is way more fun but I can't do this with my current mindset cause it is the game that feeds my biggest fears ♠_frown: .
I know that I will make it. It is just a matter of time.
:f_cool: 
