Poker Mirrors My Life

When the choice comes down to giving up entirely, or reaching out for help, unless you intend spiralling down into depression, drug addiction and ultimately suicide, there really is no choice.

Reach out for help.

First step is already taken. You have opened yourself up here and admitted your life is a mess you don't even like. I can't say why that is, but usually some combination of self hatred and fear will do the trick. You feel old and trapped with nowhere to go at age 26. But believe me, you will be twice that age one day, and feel like you have hardly begun.

Whatever health professionals are available to you in Denmark, take advantage of that. See somebody. Let them give you some perspective you can't find for yourself.

Don't let this opportunity for change pass by. You really have nothing to lose.

Originally posted by aciddrop
Don't let this opportunity for change pass by. You really have nothing to lose.

...and yet it seems like i also have nothing to gain

The opposite of despair and depression.

Which is not to say that the gain will be without effort.

yea, aciddrop, maybe im barking up the wrong tree by posting about my existensial crisis on a poker forum, but it seems like its the only place where people might actually give a shit.....or maybe they dont, who knows.

Can anyone else in here relate? Doesnt it seem like people who are succesful in poker are succesful in life in general, and vice-versa?

I think it is important because you have found the parallel between the two worlds. The most important one is life itself of course.

What is happening to you isn't unusual, many people here, as everywhere are either going through it/have gone through it/will go through it or something similar.

There is not, and cannot be, anything more important than establishing a life where relationships are fruitful and rewarding for all involved. When it has been identified that the opposite is true, you are in a position to begin understanding what it is in you that leads to that happening. It can then change.

There is a saying that goes, "The truth will set you free."

This is correct, but the other bit of that saying, which doesn't get so much airtime, is, "...but first, it will piss you off."

You will never let the ugly in yourself go unless you accept it. That is the bit that will piss you off, because no one really wants to own the ugly. We fear that, and fear leads to the practice of violence, whether physical, mental or emotional, and whether projected on to others or completely internalised, totally destructive.

Sooner or later, everyone finds themselves in this place. It is the bottom. Bedrock. Which is a good place to stand. So get a good grip, and realise the journey is begun. Find your heart, and let that be open.

I can relate, for sure. I used to suffer from fairly severe depression and anxiety in my early 20s. I won't go into details, but let's just say I got to the very edge before turning around and seeking help.

The most difficult step is admitting you need help, and actually reaching out for it. I would say: Just go and talk to somebody. I was lucky - I went and talked to a psychiatrist who gave me a little kick in the butt, and over the course of a few months he had given my all the tools I needed to make myself better. He took my shovel away before the hole I was digging turned into my own grave. Then he showed me how to dig out of it.

This is an extremely complicated subject. Do I know what you're going through? Of course not. Even though I've had some of the same thoughts, and even been pretty deep myself, I'm not you, I don't know your world, your experiences. But I can certainly relate to what you're going through.

I dug out of the hole, but I still need to watch myself. I've found myself slipping into it again, but now I have the tools to get out before I'm in too deep (most of the time, anyway). To connect this to poker again, I use short term things that you could say increase my hEV (Happiness EV). While there are things you need to discuss with a professional, there are certain things that help me keep me from slipping when I feel like I might be headed for a rough patch. And to me, just like in poker, I feel like if I make sure to make +hEV decisions, I'm ahead of the game. So just tiny little things, like noticing the details around me that I like, help a lot. When I look at the clock and it says 22:22, that's wonderful. Birds are nice. For some reason I find weathered picket fences with the paint peeling off very beautiful (I'm weird like that).

I used to wear a watch and set it to beep every hour. And as a rule, every time it beeped, I would stop what I was doing and look for one beautiful thing in my environment. So during my waking hours, I would spot 16+ nice things. That's a lot of nice for one day.

I don't know if this is helpful to you at all. At the very least, I hope you know that you're not alone. And more than anything, you need to make sure to make +hEV decisions. If poker is getting you down, maybe the +hEV thing to do would be to give it up for now, or even for good. You should talk to somebody. And my advice, in the meantime, is to start focusing on the little things, enjoy the little moments. It certainly won't make everything better, but it might make your day a little brighter.

Hope you find your way to the other side of this.

@aciddrop & @Svarthjalmar +1

Nothing to add but find a professional to talk to, you'll be amazed how good it can be to talk things over with a "stranger".

I appreciate your comments but im done... done with this game, done with this planet and done with myself. I dont care anymore, i give up... fuck it.

Im going to sleep, maybe when i wake up things will be different, but i doubt it. goodnight