I am on tilt. I am not angry. It's more like apathy. What I win (win? are you fucking kidding me? I am working for it!) in SH FLHE I lose in 1 table SnGs. The past two days were terrible, broke my own rules and played a lot of SnGs 20% of my hard-earned bankroll is gone without making the slightest effort. It's not just a downswing, or that I had some bad luck, but I play terribly in SnGs. It's more disciplinary and emotional problem than actual knowledge. First, I tell myself what to do, I anticipate situations, I tell myself to fold AK when somebody went AI to my raise, I tell myself to fold my overpair in a draw-heavy flop - but I DON'T DO IT!!!!!!! I mean what the fuck is this? Who is talking and who the fuck is acting? What the fuck is going in my head? WHY THE FUCK I DON'T LISTEN TO MYSELF? GODDAMN IT!
1. Why do I keep playing SnGs if I am a losing player in it? It does not matter whether it is because of lack of discipline or knowledge - I simply lose. And I lose hard earned FLHE dollars which makes it really annoying. Why can't I stop?
2. SnGs, MTTs, tournaments seem to be a different kind of animal than cash. I feel like I dance on the edge of a blade and even when I have KK I have to tremble in fear because of some fucker's flush, draw, AA or other shit. Nothing is sure. I can never be comfortable in my chair and play confident poker, because I know even if I bet 2x the pot on a flush-drawish flop someone gonna call, they do irrational things, but they get the flop I play by the rules but better pre-flop hands worth nothing. Then again, I don't do what I should be doing. In the majority of the time I know the right move but I don't do it. I mean, what the fuck?
3. For some reason I feel like I am meant to be a great SnG player. I want to be good. I learnt and keep learning, but nothing seems to work I don't apply what I learn, why the fuck? SnGs seem to be all about waiting, because shit hands follow trash ones and I feel fucked up, in early phase my flop ratio is somewhere 5-8% - I simply don't get playable hands according to the rules. What is going on?
I am on the verge of crying.
What do I need to do to actually do what I know I should?
Somebody help, my self-confidence dribbles away....
