A long time ago, I used to be a WizKid. I managed to get to be one of the very best in my country at Chess, then Mathematics, then Informatics. (And most recently, although not a kid anymore, at Starcraft II).
I received many prizes and awards at national and regional levels in all three of those fields (and also, at regional level and less notable prizes in many other fields like Physics and Chemistry). I basically shined in everything I tried while I was in school. I've also been one of the best of the best in college and it seems I'm the best at my job.
As I grew up, I show more and more of my talents and people were amazed. So they constantly showed admiration and were constantly complimenting me. I was feeling on top of the world and everyday more awesome, more powerful. I felt I was the smartest guy ever and started taking great pride in that. I developed an incredibly narcissistic and arrogant personality. I treated people like I was far superior and expected to be recognized as such, expecting constant attention and admiration. To express it short, I developed into a textbook narcissist.
Today is my birthday, a few years more than a quarter of a century. I have no friends as I have alienated everybody. I don't have a girl (haven't had one for quite some time now). I'm constantly tired and depressed and sad and I continue to display arrogance at every opportunity. My narcissistic persona lives in my mind and drives me to behave erratically and hurtful to the ones around me. I know sometimes I'm in the wrong and I try really hard to behave but often this compulsion takes control of me and drives me. I feel it's like a Dark Passenger, one that I cannot get rid off.
A narcissistic personality disorder often comes with obsessions, fixations and is co-morbid with other conditions like depression and anxiety. I'm very anxious and socially awkward by nature and because I can't comfortably behave normal among others, often times I let the dark passenger take control. He uses humor to hide my incapability to communicate in a normal way and to talk about regular stuff. The humor most often consisting of needling others and making them feel bad about themselves.
I'm obsessed with two girls I know and I cannot stop thinking about them. I'm also obsessed with fame and getting really rich. What I want to do with a lot of money is to travel a lot, eat a lot of good stuff, see a lot of places and meed a lot of girls.
Why Redemption through Poker?
At my job, if I start talking, people are intimidated. Because most of the time know more and I'm really aggressive when they are wrong. So even if sometimes they could be right, they don't get to express it. Further, even if it happens from time to time, it's hard to quantify and I can never feel clearly that others are good enough.
When you are some anonymous at the virtual felt, you don't know the other guys personally, so there's little incentive to be arrogant to them. When the cards are dealt and the chips are on the table everybody is equal. Poker keeps you honest and humble because it places you somewhere on a probability distribution and you can concretely see where you are. And you can't get higher without actually getting better. It doesn't matter how arrogant you want to be, nor what you want to think about yourself, nor how intimidating you can be if you raise your voice. It like a mirror that shows you who you actually are.
What I will try in Poker will be to set goals in concordance to the level of arrogance I posed at that moment. And as the time will pass, I'll use my results in Poker to readjust my image about myself. I will look into the results honestly like into a mirror and I'm hoping to slowly see that I'm not that beautiful as I though. Even in the very unlikely case when I would actually becomes as good as I'm thinking I am, the feedback will be there and I will see the work put into it and I will learn humility as I would get outplayed by many people, some of which most definitely, in real life, I would think of as unworthy.
In my personal life I'll continue my struggle to not give control to my dark passenger and I will try to make a parallel of how much better the results are (both in life and in Poker) when I'm humble, honest and respectful to the others.
I know I'm sick in my head and I will fight to become healthy. I'm really hopping to become a better person (and rich at the same time). I'm going to keep you guys up to date in proportion to the support and interest I get. Please cheer for me to get well...
July Goals
(easy) 25k Hands
(medi) 1k USD Profit
(hard) Breakeven at NL 0.1/0.25
September Goals
(easy) 200k Hands
(medi) 10k USD Profit
(hard) Breakeven at NL 1/2
2013 Goals
(easy) Supernova on PokerStars
(medi) 1 Million Hands
(hard) 100k USD Profit
Poker Goals
(easy) Get Black Membership on PokerStrategy.com
(medi) 1M USD Profit
(hard) 10M USD Profit
(impossible) Be the most successful Online Poker Player ever
