Week 39
BR week 38: $142
BR week 39: $142
Hands played: 0
BB/100: 0/100
Net profit/Loss: $0
Unfortunately, no poker but again a lot of thoughts have crossed my mind. It's a good thing I keep this blog alive on a weekly basis that gives me the opportunity to structure my thoughts and reflect upon it. The thoughts could be summarized in: "Work, relationship, social contacts. The three pillars of how I define my happiness".
I have been busy with my internship and I think it's going well in general. The thesis is a lot of work and there are a lot of uncertainties but I think in the end I will manage somehow. I have been thinking recently about what job I should fulfill and if the work that I am currently doing my internship is something for me. It's an accountancy firm, which I never really worked for. However, I do think it's a good basis, but is that a very valid reason? Will this define my happiness? Am I not already in a far enough stadium with my skills and knowledge that I don't necessarily need a basis but rather need to build on my previous experiences? It's a very tough question to ask myself because my experience is quite broad (and abroad, which I do not want for the time being for sure) and I see many people with high positions that have done most of their lives the same thing. I am of course looking around in a serious way and see what really fits me. Now it's important to find what truly makes me happy and not making the same mistake as I did in Thailand. Don't get me wrong, I still dig traveling but I just don't want to spend much money on something so uncertain again. Next to that, it's been already common knowledge that it isn't like 20-30 years ago that when you go abroad, you automatically come into high positions. We now live in the era of higher ranked expats rather than adventurers (or gold seekers).
The second thought was where I should be based when I graduate. I was always thinking of going to Amsterdam, live there, make a fast career and enjoy the work. However, I recently admitted to myself that I am still a bit disappointed by all the dismissals I had from certain companies during my search for an internship. Of course, everyone has dismissals so I should see this into perspective, surely. However, that doesn't mean that I (or my feeling) has a certain reaction of it. I always told myself that I'd rather be alone without a family and have a high position in a firm than having a family and have no high position at all. Somehow this view changed a bit. Partly because I am finishing my Masters and think to myself; do I really need Amsterdam to get into a high position? Will it really matter these days to work 70 hrs a week and climb very fast knowing I have plans now to become an entrepreneur after some time because I don't want to work my whole life for an employer? Will I really find happiness with someone if I would live in a city rather than in my hometown? Or will I have more and better social contacts when living in a city?
I think I can fill in these answers already by myself, just to look at it (that is now the beauty of having a blog 
). Nowadays, companies have all kinds of programmes to combine work-life balance because it becomes more prevalent. Moreover, a colleague said this week that in the end working your ass off would maybe save you a couple of years when you want to climb to the top but not that much everyone thinks. It's just the more work you put into something, the faster you get results. That is with everything (also in poker). Of course, talents aside who work in those badass hedging firms or investment bankers but I would never get into those anyway. Also, do you really want this kind of life even if you have all the other aspects? I still want to go to the gym and for this, I already need at least 7 hours of sleep per night for optimal muscle growth. Of course, I am biased and don't see the money you can earn.
I think I am a little bit affected by the way I was treated by certain companies when they dismissed me (even when I already had 2 interviews with the same company and got dismissed after the second interview, which went very well). It could be that they spoke the truth, it could be that it isn't something for me. That is something I'm going to find out in the coming months since I am in a similar firm now. But what about family, friends, and relationships? I came to realize that these things became a bit more important to me after these occasions happened. Mostly when I was with people where I had a high energy level was either in my hometown living alone (e.g. when my family went on vacation so I watched the house) or it was with a new group who really accepted me. However, mostly those groups I bumped into after a few months (sometimes years) when I was living somewhere. The sad thing was I always had to leave and 'didn't really make it' (as with the song of Dido (Life for Rent) ) A good friend of mine once gave a quote from John A. Shedd I'd like to share: "A ship in harbor is safe — but that is not what ships are built for". Guys, I think it's time for me to return, load some goods and wait till it's ready to sail away again It's been far too long since I've been really living in my hometown for an unknown time and at the moment I think it would be a good decision to base here after my Masters and use the inputs and opportunities I have from my friends and family and see if I can build something from it. If it doesn't work, I can always go to another place and see if it works over there. However, that would be not fleeing from something but going towards something (perhaps some people recognize this sentence from a recent movie 
). My fear of failure has let me believe I was not accepted but when I see the bigger picture and start to see things into perspective, that isn't the case at all. It was my fear that let me believe I wasn't accepted, which is bullsh*t. Too many times I couldn't pursue a friendship or even relationship because of this fear and disappointed people with it. Now I know what was wrong with me, I can do something about it and change things. It should not be too late and I should definitely not be living outside my hometown for the wrong reasons.
These were my thoughts actually for the last couple of days. I must say that I am not sure about my final decision with regards to my internship and basis to live. I can also do it the other way around and first see whether I want to go to Amsterdam (or another city in the Netherlands) first and if that doesn't work, to my hometown. Let's see how things develop and what I feel most positive about. The good thing is still that we are living in a free country, everything is so easy to arrange and we should make use of that freedom.
It took some time to write and re-write it but I definitely feel better now this way If there are people reading this, just leave a comment. Criticism on the content of my thoughts is welcome too of course In the end, we are all biased in a certain way.
That's it for this week guys, have a great one everyone!
Cheers, Hesticus 
Even though I have the feeling I played well, however, a few times I had AQ and called a 3-bet where someone else shoves so I had to let this one down. Another time with this hand the flop was 6Jx so I checked and the opponent who was IP xb. Turn was a Q so I bet but got raised in which I had to fold. It was a bit strange and the only +EV hand he could have played like this was a set OTF. Probably 66 or JJ since I don't see any other card raising turn (not even JQ because chances are high I would bet river again and he got more value out of me that way). What do you guys think?
