that's deep 
the only guy who can know what you really want is you!
I think you overthink alot of stuff sure it is important to pick a spot where you want to live in future. but sometimes you just have to go with the flow.
you could apply for all the interesting jobs at your hometown and in amsterdam and than see which job would "want you" and decided from there
just one small thing from a former competetive bodybuilder (no stage).
You don't need 7 hours of sleep. the quality of sleep is what really matters and you can have a healthy (bodybuilder) life with as little as 4 hours of sleep every night. (and still have quality muscle growth)
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Thanks so much BadHabit1989!
I agree that I overthink too much. I have concluded that when I was reading and making assignments for the book Mental Game of Poker. Overthinking is a thing where I need to deal with. I don't think I can get rid of this and I most probably should get my strength out of it. Currently, I am reading a book about 'learn how to see things in perspective' from Byron Katie. I'm not really fond of the book (pretty heavy and deep theory instead of action such as in the MGOP.
I so agree that I just sometimes should go with the flow and have a disregard to all those doom scenarios I automatically think of. One would not even consider thinking this much about such a simple thing of 'where to live'.
I am looking for jobs near my hometown indeed. If I would want to live in Amsterdam, I think I have the best chance of staying in the company where I'm in now since this one gives good growth opportunities. There is a square in A'dam where all the larger companies are located and it is very attractive for people who want to make career quickly. As I said on my blog, I am not sure if this is still what I want after all the dismissals plus all the disappointments that happened in the last years. You make overhead like anything in those companies and you are treated like sh*t. Life is still uncertain and I think if you want to make life uncertain, it's best to do when you start something for yourself and have control over what you want. I also just got some information from an acquaintance, saying that it is expensive in A'dam and best to live there with 2 people in a house or apartment. I have no friend who is in the same situation as I am so I don't think it's a good idea to go to A'dam atm.
Thanks for the tip about sleeping. Yes, quality of sleep I also think it's important. I read about this topic on a certain blog from my gym I believe that it is good to have this kind of sleep.
Cheers, Hesticus 
Week 40
BR week 39: $142
BR week 40: $142
Hands played: 0
BB/100: 0/100
Net profit/Loss: $0
Again, no poker but I feel some progress is coming from all aspects where I talked about last week It was a very strange week but very positive. It's always so striking to me that when you focus on certain things, you kind of plant the seed and it develops, day by day. Like the universe is giving you that kind of energy in which you can decide what to do with it.
Anyway, don't want to go too philosophical this week 
so just want to say that I am feeling much happier than last week and working on my future in a better way again
Cheers,
Hesticus
Have you watched this:
The app they are talking about seems interesting. Haven't tried myself though. And don't know if it is free or not (probably not)...
Oh no, haven't seen it but I will. Right now I have to finish some stuff but in the evening I will have time to watch it, thanks man!
Just watched the video and downloaded the app It is for free actually Let's see how that one goes. Thanks for sharing la55i!
Cheers,
Hesticus
Thanks, I will 
Till now it's okay but not extremely helpful. You can only share happy moments when you are 'feeling great' but not when it goes 'not so well'. So everyday you are kind of forced to tell the app that you are feeling great. Maybe that's the whole idea of the app so you kind of block out the negative thoughts. I will try it for a couple of weeks and see if I become more positive in general through the day and not only when I think back to where I came from and how far I've become.
Week 41
BR week 40: $142
BR week 41: $142
Hands played: 0
BB/100: 0/100
Net profit/Loss: $0
A week that gave me quite some stress (study, internship and thesis). I can see that I reached an emotional threshold as I taught with MGOP. I really need to find a way how to cope with certain stress moments or periods where I will be busier than usual. Meditation could be a good thing to do, many classmates of mine also try it since they have the same struggle. The thing is, when I am busy I try not to influence my personal life too much by it. I had some events last weekend and I had the choice to attend these or to just study. The consequence of going to these events was that I forgot some stuff along the way (like the presents), this I right away noticed was the emotional threshold. Like there was no room in my mind anymore and all the other stuff got blacked out. One thing is for sure, when I will fulfill a management position at a company, I will always have to deal with stuff and I need to find a way to manage my time as effectively as possible. There is absolutely no way I will change my social life because of this since this is one of the pillars that define my happiness. Therefore I need to find a way how to make this work.
That's it for now guys, hopefully, this week brings some better insights as the exams are coming up next week as well
Cheers,
Hesticus
Meditation could be a good thing to do
In that case you could download an app called "Primed Mind".. I have been using that and it is great
At the beginning I did.. Most of the content is not free but there is quite nice stuff for free users also
Now I haven't used it for a while for no reason. Maybe I should start again
Week 42
BR week 41: $142
BR week 42: $142
Hands played: 0
BB/100: 0/100
Net profit/Loss: $0
Exam week! I have some updates but it will have to wait till next week unfortunately.
Take care everyone!
Cheers,
Hesticus
Week 43
BR week 42: $142
BR week 43: $142
Hands played: 0
BB/100: 0/100
Net profit/Loss: $0
Forgot to update. Am at Poland atm so not much time to update. More next week
Week 44
BR week 43: $142
BR week 44: $142
Hands played: 0
BB/100: 0/100
Net profit/Loss: $0
Week Poland was awesome Definitely something I needed. Last time I had a real week off was more than a year ago. Not a bad thing necessarily but I see it has not much use to skip holidays since your schedule will keep going anyway regardless if you take time off or not.
I forgot a little bit what I wanted to update during the exam week 
It probably had to do with my fear of failure from what I remembered what happened that week. Where I was in contact with a girl and I was behaving too eager and trying to express how much I cared about her and stuff, which is obviously bullsh*t in a way. Annoying thing was that it of course happened in the middle of my exam week.. A good thing is that I noticed myself this was a typical fear of failure situation because I wasn't trying to express my love to her or whatever. I was expressing so much about myself to her because I was afraid that she won't find me interesting. That's why I was constantly texting with several questions so she could answer me extensively back, same as I did to her. The problem with this is of course, you won't be yourself with these kind of things so eventually, she will stop texting because it's getting increasingly more awkward, especially when I start talking about that I would like that she shares more things with me (for whatever reason). From that moment I wasn't texting her for a few days and now just act normal (which should be the case but hard to do when you have this anxiety luring over your shoulder) with short messages because that is what I do normally. When I look back to messages from other girls that I didn't find that interesting (but interesting enough to keep contact with) I also see that my messages are short and normal and there is still some kind of vibe. In other words, this anxiety is far from real and is typically something you create yourself. Currently, it's fine btw with at least texting with her. The messages are normal and little by little she is sharing more about her life (which I still want but you can't enforce this of course). Not sure how this will work out but we'll see. For now I just enjoy the contact and expect nothing else for the moment.
I do see some progress in how I behave towards people now I am trying my best to act normal and not try to be liked all the time. There is a difference in showing respect and do good for people than to always be the nice guy that is not stating his opinion because he is afraid people will find something about him. That should be okay that people find something about you because it at least means you have a personality.
Well, my flight will take off soon so will close off for now. Hope this story is worth the read I wasn't keen on writing this actually because it's rather sensitive for me but it's my blog and I want it to keep it as genuine as possible.
Cheers,
Hesticus
Week 45
BR week 44: $142
BR week 45: $142
Hands played: 0
BB/100: 0/100
Net profit/Loss: $0
Still no poker in my life. More like relating all the mental stuff I've been going through. Watching more stuff on YouTube about how to build your confidence. I see that this is a spot where I need to work on at this moment in my life. When I think back and keep thinking about the stuff I achieved, I am proud and it makes me feel happy again. However, I feel my confidence is a bit slipping so hopefully I see some good stuff coming around in the coming weeks. Still use the 'happy' app from time to time suggested by la55i but it has no major impact, although happy I got this app Don't use meditating because I'm not feeling stressed atm, just have small periods when there is more work that gives me stress. I wonder if meditating on a continuous basis works especially for those moments when you have just stressful periods? Anyone having experience in this? Does it maybe extend your emotional threshold?
Sometimes it looks like I'm changing stuff to work on every few weeks. Perhaps this is how it should be, but perhaps not? I remember in the MGOP you have to compare it with a crawling inchworm so once you work on this, then the other part needs some attention. In that regard, I'd say it should be that way.
Let me know what you think Small talks are fine as well
Cheers,
Hesticus
Week 46
BR week 45: $142
BR week 46: $142
Hands played: 0
BB/100: 0/100
Net profit/Loss: $0
No poker again last week but I worked on my confidence by at least watching quite some YouTube videos from vloggers and also ordered a book about building confidence. Quite interesting how you can really sympathize with some person. I think it's a good move that I show some interest in the topic of confidence. In the end, I think admitting that you lack some parts of that area is the first step. Yesterday I was hanging out with a good friend of mine (had some dinner at a mutual friend's parents) and on the way to the train station, we talked a bit about stuff. He made a good observation that I am a little less developed in 'small talks' and that I mostly go deep into a subject, rather than have some kind of flow in a conversation about little things. This is something I also saw and am working on. Although my texts are long in here, but that is to share things about my life I try not to overthink too much and as said before in this blog by BadHabit1989, just go with the flow. I am about to make a decision of where I will be based from February and this might be a good training of not overthink too much and show enough confidence that you trust your guts and decision eventually.
I am still talking to that girl btw but I try to let it be small talk as much as possible. Say more funny things, shorter things, less smileys, etc. Just all the regular stuff I would do when I am not that much into someone. It is so strange that when I do things like that, she replies much faster than when I try to ask her a normal (perhaps too serious of a) question.
That's it for this week guys, have a great one and keep blogging
Cheers,
Hesticus
Week 47
BR week 46: $142
BR week 47: $142
Hands played: 0
BB/100: 0/100
Net profit/Loss: $0
Was pretty sick the last 4 days due to an inflammation so didn't do much here, which was super awkward because normally I'm busy like anything haha. So for 6 days no gym and still recovering. Aim to go to the gym latest Saturday again but hopefully sooner. Further no definite progression in my life rather than just working on the things I want to (future job, girls, thesis and confidence).
Cheers,
Hesticus
Week 48
BR week 47: $142
BR week 48: $142
Hands played: 0
BB/100: 0/100
Net profit/Loss: $0
Not much new going on, still working on my goals as discussed before. Getting better in each all of them so that's good news
Cheers,
Hesticus
Week 49
BR week 48: $142
BR week 49: $142
Hands played: 0
BB/100: 0/100
Net profit/Loss: $0
Still working a lot on my confidence. It stays a very hard thing to realize and it's plainly simple that I just have to DO it if I want something. Normally I am someone who'd love to take action if I want change but somehow when it comes to interaction with people with my confidence, I cannot seem to do it that easily. For example, talking to some girl on the streets or stand up for what you think or want at my internship. A few weeks ago a manager was complimenting me about some work I was part of and I just rolled over his compliment saying that 'it wasn't me who did it really'. That is not only not true to say but also offensive to that person since he is beforehand thinking of what to say and giving a well-considered statement about ones work. Next to that, the person who may did the most work on that assignment would NEVER say he was actually the only one who did it, especially not because he is a partner at the firm. If someone would say that all the time, he wouldn't have many employees left at the end of the day, now would he? Be that as it may, it's like my emotional threshold takes its part and blocks my rational thinking. I really need to keep telling myself to have the confidence and to be proud of where I am standing today. No person would have thought 10 years ago that I would do my Masters. From a cooking education all the way up till here. It's so frustrating that my mind cannot seem to fix this proudness of myself. I am almost thinking about therapy, perhaps I was damaged somehow too much during my youth, I don't know. However, every person deserves to have the absolute confidence in him/herself.
Just to share some thoughts again about my life in general. All other things are going quite well. Hopefully I am able to conclude my master thesis at the end of this month, I see it very positively
Cheers,
Hesticus
You are awesome, handsome and smart. You do great work. Acknowledge it and be proud of it
You have an education in cooking? You must give me some tips