25.09 summary.
time spent working: 5 h
time spent studying: 3 h
Interesting day. It started with the session on one table. I run an unsuccessful bluff into a guy who has very well underrepresented his hand [it wasn't huge pot, but I noted to myself how he played AK on dry K high board on flop and turn]. We got into another pot not a bit later I was 3 betting him, and he flatted. Based on that previous time he played his TPTK certain way I turned my bottom pair into semi-bluff and shoved over his turn bet. He had two pair. After that play I felt like no1 respected my bets and I wasn't comfortable playing, so I took a short break.
I sat down to play another table, this time 3/4 handed. I focused on observing the guys and I found one that seemed very honest. I started to play a lot of pots with him, calling more from BB, forcing myself to play OOP, noting to myself his sizing. After few pots I had a pretty good idea what sizes he's using to bluff with, and so I called him down couple times even with under pair to the board - the tilt started to emerge [at least that was my impression].
Im on the BTN and hes BB [one guy left already making it 3handed]. I bet pretty standard sizing into his check [expecting the fold, like may times before]. He raised...I had the middle/bottom pair with A6 on 68X fd. My bet was small and I thought he might begin to get out of line due to my agression vs him or simply do this with a bunch of draws, so I called. I don't remember the turn, some kind of overcard, a Q maybe [ill find this hand later, when I receive HH]. He checks, I bet preety small to feel out the situation [didn't want to check back and give his draws free card and I didn't want to burn money firing into his legit value range which he for some reason checked with].
River comes and it is a 6, giving me trips and not completing fd. He checks I wait a bit and bet the pot for little above 40BBs. I didn't use this sizing once in this session, he couldn't have known what that meant. So he either folds hes misted draws or has a spot where hes holding something of value he decided to raise the flop amd check call the turn with [knowing I play quite lose and I bet a lot]. Polarizing bet seemd the best choice here. He called with 8T [having top pair, middle kicker on the flop].
Soon after that hand I got dealt aces UTG, and he called me on the button [table had to be 5 handed at this point for this to make sens, I'm not sure]. I potted K high board quite quick [again something I have never done in this session], he called pretty quick. Turn came and with it possibility of second fd I bet pot again and he shoved almost instantly... I called and won a pot, he had KQo [quy who wouldn't have made that play 10min before]...
My calling him down in very marginal spots based just on sizing tells, combined with hitting the trips on the river and putting him in the spot to hero call made this guy click, and he blew up - he lost another big pot to the other guy and left.
I played quite solid for a while longer. Making few bluffs that I was content with and 2 quite marginal calls [it was 3-4 handed as people joined and left, so I played way outside my comfort zone, but I was trying to think really hard].
Problems begun to emerge in the next session. Number of players increased, and so I was able to play 5-6 tables BUT I was still playing/thinking in the 3handed mode. I played way to many spots, trying to win way to many hands.
After I have realized that I slowed down but I couldn't make any right play. All of my bluffs run into value hands, all of big calls were incorrect. I felt like I can't get anything going. Then I lost a big pot set into rivered straight [it was very hard for me to find a fold there - ill post this hand, you will maybe see why - or maybe you will tell me that's an easy fold]. I started to feel irritated with myself - kept looking at the cashier [even tho I tried not to I just couldn't help it, since it is visible in the lobby]. I felt bad and the mental techniques were not helping fast enough, I played on tilt.
I had to take a break - I didn't want to but I had to. We took our dog for a walk, talked a little, I was able to breathe and I tried to get rid of this unpleasant feeling inside of my body.
My wife made me amazing sandwiches and I ate them listening to something poker related - she was busy doing her own stuff, so we ate separately. She then came around, hugged and kissed me, I got my coffee, and my attitude started to change.
I grabbed the black tape and literally taped it on the screen where the cashier shows my bankroll. I played mostly 4 tables from that point.
I had a hand where I rivered trips with A7, OOP vs very aggressive guy on a very wet board, river also completed a flush. I bet quite small [my regular sizing tho] and this guys shoves. I'm saying to myself in my mind "is he really playing a flush like this - I've seen him playing the flush few hands ago, this doesn't feel right". But he could also have a straight or a boat... So this one time when I basically have circumstances to actually make a hero call not against honest players but against this Crazy Pete kind of guy I froze. Im staring at my 75BB left in the stack . 2sec left in the time bank and I decided to call BUT my body refused to click this damn button - I felt the pain of losing yet another stack to yet another stupid and unnecessary bluff catching call before I even had a chance to call... I timed out... The guy won a pot and showed Q8o for a top pair...
I didn't blow up. I didn't even feel anger or irritation with myself. I just felt sadness - something new.
I told to myself that at least you finally got some discipline bitten into your mind/body and you laid down a strong hand in a very marginal spot - good job - still, sadness was overwhelming...
"If this guy plays this way I'll find good spots to take money from him - this wasn't huge pot - focus and double up through him - there will be better spots - good fold buddy - good fold"
Sure enough few minutes later I get into spot with this guy. I 3bet him with KJs OOP. Board comes Qxx two spades. I bet 2/3 he calls. Spade comes giving me second nut flush. So I bet very small and surely enough this guy shoves... I'v never snapped someone faster... He had some kind of junk.
On another table I had a spot where I was about to fire 3rd barrel in 3bet pot OOP holding AK, just two overcards to the Qhigh board and again I froze [so many times I got burned today]. So I check, turning this line into complete junk. Guy checks back and wins the pot with 76s bottom pair and missed fd. God damn it, why couldn't you pull the trigger.
"its fine - focus - you don't know if hes folding to a 1/3 bet there - those guys like to be sticky - you had a lot of eq on all streets against this guy's hand, stop dramatizing, this spot it wasn't as bad as you think - I basically turned into my own support-buddy" .
After this spots and this mental dialogue something clicked inside me. I played in the zone. I wasn't afraid to pull the trigger for the entire stack when I thought the spot was calling for it and I won the pot. I started to run pretty good. I hit 2 big hands, won quite a lot of pots with decent [in my opinion] bluffs and I felt really good about my performance.
I don't know if I recovered all the losses from earlier in the day - I don't know because I didn't look.
I felt exhausted, so even tho I planned to play for at least 3 more hours I decided that's it for that day - I won't force it, that has never ended well [so I am learning something, slowly alright I give you that, but still, I AM LEARNING - amazing! I don't feel stuck and helpless in regard to my stupid habits anymore, something is changing, I AM changing and my poker is changing alongside of me].
I'll try to open the software and move it into the taped spot without looking at the balance - don't know if that will work 
I'm going to truly study my fist poker math book - let's see where that train takes me - I am full of hope - Finally, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel [it has also shoved my how far I have to go to reach the destination... at least now I feel like I can do it for real this time, not only in my dreams and bold, unsupported with results claims].
All best,
A♠: