Hey Bender,
yeah, time flies indeed. For the part of what I‘m challenging myself the answer is pretty simple: My ego.
When I started in 2005 I was just done with school and on my way to german army for 1.5y. In my school days I was heavily involved into playing Call of Duty in clans. I remember playing 1on1, 3on3 and 5on5 in ESL somewhat competitively.
I also was playing SC and CnC:Generals at that time. Now the eSports thing was tuned down because at the germany army there was no time for such things. But gaming must have lead me to pokerstrategy somehow back then.
I never felt like a gambler. I learned early in life that one lose in the long run so in my younger days I quickly wondered why my parents are playing lotto.
I started poker because the former SC2 pro basically told us about the strategy element and was very scared of running into an addiction. But since I got 5 bucks to start and if I will lose it wont be my earned money, why not?
Back then the game was fun. It was fun to move up in stakes. meeting strategy member in person. partying in Hamburg while the boss spend some rakeback by paying bottles of vodka red bull.
I met Supernova Elite players making a living in Liverpool. While I had a job at this time the idea of being pro thrilled me also. But once you see the game as a job the fun starts to disappear.
In my later career playing live on my local casino also gave my life a special note I really enjoyed. Not to mention that the extra money gave me insights to life in my twenties not everybody has.
But that all build up a very very huge ego unfortunately. I remember 2019/2020 before I had my 1-2 year pause. I was transitioning into PLO for the second time and grinded my way up to plo50 on GG.
I have a good friend I met at my casino that went to a very strong long term friendship. We sat together at a local masters NLH MTT together, Buy In 550€, starts every 3 months. I felt tired and back then went for an energy drink.
He went for coffee and mentioned why I do this to my health, it is like 20 times more coffein in these drinks than in a natural cup of coffee. I said ‚BS, its not that high!‘
We made a bet about the costs for the drinks for whoever is nearest with his guess (I think the answer was 2.5 cups of coffee in a can of red bull) and this bet I won. I have to mention that I lost many sidebets to this guy later on ^^ Shoutouts to my man Alexander the Great!
Later I remember Alex had to help me cash out 15k in cash from this casino because I went 2nd in one of those masters and if you cash out more than 5k in the casino you have to show IDs and get registered and everybody and their mama was afraid to get registered as a pro in a database that might get forwarded to goverment and pay half of the winnings for extra taxes.
while this was just some kind of paranoja, I had to trust some guys 5k in chips I basically only knew for some hours in the casino to cash out without registration. In the end one of these guys turned out to be a good friend for life!
Now this guy knows all about me, myself and poker. He staked me for PLO100 back then to give me a little turbo. Now the run on PLO100 was a short term disaster. Variance wise because of the short term it was fine.
The money also wasnt that big of a problem. The problem was me, thinking because I am into this since like 15 years, I deserve to make a living from poker. Having to play midstakes because been there once and hourly for micros is a joke, I can flip burgers to make better.
While this is true it holded me back from playing the game for some time now. I bitched around and when new german regulations with extra taxes came on top due to high rake enviroment I felt like the train is finally gone forever.
Fortunately, my ego is big enough to state that after all these years and hands while I might not be the top notch grinder like all of these I met in my life it would be a waste not of time but of potential. Lets have another try, in the end, what can I loose besides time that I already wasted by not playing but vegetating 
I really think now for me to battle my ego I have to realise after 15-17 years of poker I never really ‚made it‘ but while this might be a combination due of lacking skills and some luck that is no reason not to play micros again.
Yes, the golden times are gone. Many crusher back then printed nice money just by grinding breakeven and earning huge rakeback. some made 6-digit rolls and when things became worse they opted out and went for flipping real estate or investing.
they wont hesitate coming back because they played full time and for them its a job that pays bad nowadays.
For me its a dream I failed at. But after almost 2 years pausing I think at some time I had the wrong dream. Like getting a trophy for my career.
I started to look for all the main event winners and to finish this blogpost for now lets just simplify my feelings and say: I went jealous. Jealous that while I made a pretty nice life with extras I still wasnt satisfied and reached for the whole thing.
I remember a former Supernova Elite player saying: One plays cashgame for cash and MTTs for fame. Back then I did not realize how true this is. But I recalled this by watching this new film recently: The dude makes a good living playing small cashgames. A backer hires him for the WSOP ME and of course he almost wins it but I really like how things turned down in this one so I can recommend it:
