Weekly Wind-Up: Poker News Satire

    • metza
      metza
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      Joined: 28.01.2012 Posts: 2,220
      I am writing a mockumentary about poker, so to keep my poker based humour being used regularly I am going to also try to write a weekly poker-news satire. I dunno if anyone else does anything like this, but to my knowledge it is somewhat original so hopefully that is the case.

      I actually like the Daily Rewind so even though I am totally taking the piss out of it, it is just satire and not meant to be disrespectful, nor to any of the pros mentioned. (Except in future, to Howard Lederer and Chris Ferguson, full disrespect intended)

      I kinda don't like this one, it's not so good I feel, hopefully next weeks can be better but whatever.

      INDEX
      07/04/14 - Hansen's Scheming, Dwan's Latest Haul
      14/04/14 - Ivey's Lawsuit, Borgata's Chip Scandal
      21/04/14 - Howard's Return, Schemion's Secret
      28/04/14 - A New Kind of EV, The End of Tanking?
      05/05/14 - Affleck Card Counting, Hellmuth Panicking


      7 April

      Weekly Wind-Up: Hansen's Scheming, Dwan's Latest Haul

      Awesome poker rumours and gossip to satisfy your cravings. It's like Woman's Weekly Magazine, but for poker. How cool is that?


      Gus Hansen traps elite pros


      "I have those sons of bitches exactly where I want them"

      Gus Hansen today revealed that he has spent the past year lulling high stakes pros into a
      "false sense of security" by letting them believe that they have an edge on him. With the plot
      in full swing, he assured us, "I have those sons of bitches exactly where I want them".
      Now that everyone is queuing up in waitlists to play him, he stated that his plan was now to
      turn the tables and win back the losses and then some.

      Phil Galfond, the man who discovered the intricate plot just days ago, said that he realized
      that something was off after repeatedly noticing Hansen using "evil villain laughing"
      onomatopoeia in the chatbox after losing a hand, as well as constantly asking if anyone
      wanted in on his scheme.

      Hansen refused to give out any more details about the scheme, other than that the next
      phase would involve repeatedly taking the best hand to showdown.



      Tom Dwan Wins Big In Macau



      Reliable sources have informed us that Tom Dwan has won $116,000,000 in a huge session in
      Macau. Both sources had over 15 posts on their respective messageboards, and spoke with
      such self-confidence about the event that there could be no doubt they were telling the truth.

      However, self-made professional poker player Dan Bilzerian still asserts that
      Dwan is broke, so we don't really know what to believe...




      A lot of money changed hands while we were watching players battle it out at $0.01/$0.02.

      The day's biggest winner ILuvNegranu43 caused a stir by calling DaveIsDaMan a "stupid donk".
      Things got heated when Dave rebutted ILN's argument by calling him a "russian fish".
      ILN then took things to another level by recalling prior sexual exploits which may or may not
      have taken place with Dave's mother.

      Luckily, a PokerStars chatbox moderator was on hand to defuse the situation and allow
      our grinders to get back to it.



      Question of the Day

      What is your luckiest hole card?




  • 39 replies
    • Lazza61
      Lazza61
      Headadmin
      Headadmin
      Joined: 23.03.2011 Posts: 9,945
      Haha. Nice one Metza. :f_biggrin:
    • FFRRAANNKKIIEE
      FFRRAANNKKIIEE
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      Joined: 30.12.2010 Posts: 3,107
      Hahahahaha please keep them coming, snap subbed :D

      Fran
    • peche025
      peche025
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      Joined: 14.12.2008 Posts: 1,387
      lol quality, instant subbed
    • JimC6
      JimC6
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      Joined: 01.04.2011 Posts: 458
      Question of the day answer has to be 9d.
    • TJtheTJ
      TJtheTJ
      Silver
      Joined: 12.10.2011 Posts: 6,581
      Originally posted by peche025
      lol quality, instant subbed
      +10000000

      This is epic, keep them coming :megusta:
    • wlcKeD
      wlcKeD
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      Joined: 24.02.2009 Posts: 1,048
      Following :f_cool:
    • MJPerry
      MJPerry
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      Joined: 03.10.2011 Posts: 4,908

    • UPAY4DINNER
      UPAY4DINNER
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      Joined: 27.09.2009 Posts: 21,974
      Originally posted by MJPerry

    • NijeVaznoKoSam
      NijeVaznoKoSam
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      Joined: 30.08.2013 Posts: 852
      nice!!! waiting for next week :D

      NVKS
    • AGTpunx
      AGTpunx
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      Joined: 08.11.2010 Posts: 94
      haha. Absolute quality
    • PokerPPP
      PokerPPP
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      Joined: 29.10.2009 Posts: 494
      NL2 corner <3 LOL at Gus Hansen's evil plan
    • esowes
      esowes
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      Joined: 07.06.2012 Posts: 65
      I dislike the Daily Rewind deeply. This is much better. More creative effort in mocking the question of the day, please, I hate that the most.
    • FFRRAANNKKIIEE
      FFRRAANNKKIIEE
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      Joined: 30.12.2010 Posts: 3,107
      I think we need a day when weekly updates are published bcs I'm checking if 2nd one came too often :D
    • metza
      metza
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      Joined: 28.01.2012 Posts: 2,220
      Originally posted by FFRRAANNKKIIEE
      I think we need a day when weekly updates are published bcs I'm checking if 2nd one came too often :D
      The day was in the first one "7 April" but was in grey so hard to see, have changed it now.

      I'll be doing them Monday afternoon so around 11pm Sunday ET, 4am Monday GMT.
    • FFRRAANNKKIIEE
      FFRRAANNKKIIEE
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      Joined: 30.12.2010 Posts: 3,107
      Thanks for the info metza :)
    • metza
      metza
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      Joined: 28.01.2012 Posts: 2,220

      14 April

      Weekly Wind-Up: Ivey's Lawsuit, Borgata Fixes Chip Mistake

      Ivey's been up to some shady business. Find out more below.


      Ivey Being Sued: $20 Million Lawsuit


      Ivey facing a squeeze

      A large collective of online nosebleed grinders have pooled together to sue Phillip Dennis
      Ivey Jr for his entire lifetime poker profits. While initially it was assumed that Phil was
      just riding out a hotstreak on Full Tilt Poker, the players have recently discovered that
      Ivey used illicit methods known as "hand reading" which gave him unfair information
      that led to these illegitimate profits.

      A spokesperson for the group outlined the dubious methods used by Ivey to win millions:
      "Basically, we were assuming he was just gambling it up with us fellow degens, but the
      reality was a lot more sinister. He would look at the actions we'd taken and then use this
      information to get a pretty good idea of what cards we were holding."

      According to the group, they recently discovered that while playing online, Ivey would
      have a Chinese woman sitting next him at all times. They were not sure why exactly this
      was the case but said that it was "questionable at best".

      At the time, Ivey had told the players that his methods were merely superstition. "When
      he'd make a winning play he'd say things like 'My magic 8 ball told me to fold' or 'the
      local gypsy told me you were bluffing'. I believed him at first, but after a purchasing a
      Magic 8 Ball, I discovered - through hours of vigorously shaking it - that 'Fold' was not
      even one of the possible answers."

      Ivey has since admitted to using "hand reading" to win millions unethically, along with
      other common scamming methods like "bumhunting" and "tracking software" to further
      increase his edge and kill the spirit of the game.




      Borgata Scandal



      Borgata assures us they have fixed the chip smuggling problem that caused outrage in
      January. Problems arose when Christian Lusardi smuggled chips into the tournament
      a few months ago. Tournament officials did not detect the chips till the end of Day 2,
      noticing at the day's culmination that some of the chips were in fact chocolate coins.
      "Thank god it was a hot day, and they melted, or else we might never have caught the
      guy" tweeted tournament director Tab Duchateau

      Borgata decided that the best method of preventing cheating would be to tell everyone
      what exact methods they are planning on using to prevent it, in vivid detail. They said
      they got this idea from watching James Bond movies, where the villain tells Bond the
      exact details of their evil plot right before they are going to kill them.





      Observation revealed another eventful day at NL2

      Over at table Samba, FlopDaNutz was kindly giving out free expert hand analysis to
      other players. He questioned DaKingIzHere's turn call with just a gutshot, informing him
      that he did not in fact have the correct pot odds and that "64s is a donkey hand. Only
      donkeys play that hand". Here's hoping everyone had their Notes box open and that such
      profound wisdom did not go to waste.




      Question of the Day

      What is the best chatbox wisdom you've taken to heart?



    • Lazza61
      Lazza61
      Headadmin
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      Joined: 23.03.2011 Posts: 9,945
      Lolz metza. Waiting for next weeks already. :f_biggrin:
    • VorpalF2F
      VorpalF2F
      Super Moderator
      Super Moderator
      Joined: 02.09.2010 Posts: 9,294
      Originally posted by metza

      Question of the Day

      What is the best chatbox wisdom you've taken to heart?



      I recently has someone tell me to "Go throw yourself off a cliff"

      I thought that sounded exciting, but when I asked, Cliff said he wasn't into that sort of thing.

      <sigh>

      --VS
    • MJPerry
      MJPerry
      Bronze
      Joined: 03.10.2011 Posts: 4,908
      Originally posted by metza

      Ivey Being Sued: $20 Million Lawsuit


      Ivey facing a squeeze

      A large collective of online nosebleed grinders have pooled together to sue Phillip Dennis
      Ivey Jr for his entire lifetime poker profits. While initially it was assumed that Phil was
      just riding out a hotstreak on Full Tilt Poker, the players have recently discovered that
      Ivey used illicit methods known as "hand reading" which gave him unfair information
      that led to these illegitimate profits.
      Amazing.
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