Maybe writing it out means already developing acceptance and healing , getting stronger .
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Lots of people drink too much .
It is not uncommon.
What is uncommon is to work hard on things .
Everything good starts with being proud .
I am a good player who worked hard over 9 years to have a good hourly playing poker .
Nobody gets a good hourly at poker if the hours are not being sacrificed .
For me personally my numbers are good .
I deserve being happy but I need to be eager to want more .
I need to make sacrifices .
I can work real hard in future but I need to give away and sacrifice.
This is something I haven't cared of enough past years.
This practice of sacrificing came to me very naturally and it kept me humble for long time.
Sadly at a point I lost it .
It is however key to long term happiness and success in life.
Playing High-stakes is where I'm supposed to aim (been there already) not too long ago
Having the confidence requires the bankroll , the routines , lifestyle etc .
But what I believe is all success is tied to making a sacrifice , giving something away without expecting returns
This is a principle our ancestors have followed for millions of years before ourselves
And we truly can see successful people who failed because of not being humble
You must have pride / dignity to perceive things that seem hardly possible being possible
Yet the same time you must remain humble always
Drinking = saying I dont care of what matters / nothing matters
Its really a bad / harsh statement
I dont know if I can make such a statement
I am not supposed to do so
I have a healthy brain that can do many wonders
It should not be blinded
Originally posted by tukioppilas62
Lots of people drink too much .It is not uncommon.
What is uncommon is to work hard on things .
Everything good starts with being proud .
I am a good player who worked hard over 9 years to have a good hourly playing poker .
Nobody gets a good hourly at poker if the hours are not being sacrificed .
For me personally my numbers are good .
I deserve being happy but I need to be eager to want more .
this is a joke
you know if your good or not
you know if you worked hard or not
why be proud ?
Why think that seeing excessive value in yourself would accomplish anything ?
Thinking on contrary seeing no value in yourself meaning what?
Catastrophe.
Which means?
Figuring out things worth being proud of .
So its actually really good if have nothing to be proud of .
It is and it is not . It is a double edged sword.
Want to present yourself as someone who knows everything or someone who knows nothing .
Better be the one who really knows or otherwise going to be difficult .
Whatever simple philosophies .
It is and it is not.
Everytime a person proves himself being able to do something it is about the insecurity / doubt - reality meaning I cant do this I cant do that
This is why so many goals are so crazy / overwhelming
When if you think in your own head , changes are I can do this thing but its hard , then YOU MAKE IT POSSIBLE
Its a little switch , humble / not humble , not dumb / dumb
you dont believe in it so you seek for validation
you believe in it so its a different story
Winners win and losers lose and Champions stand up one more time than the rest!!
Here we had Raskolnikov explains heads-up poker , it was 2014 or something , it is the most relevant Heads-up videos there exists up till now!
Never bought coaching from him not a friend nothing but he nails it there how poker works .
Hey hey tukioppilas62,
Scanned through your blog - quite an entertaining stream of thoughts you have there...
I'm constantly playing and drinking at the same time because playing after work in the evening and wine or beer helps to treat it as a recreational activity and not a hard-core grind.
How did you get your Black membership? I guess it is an interesting story...
Hey!
Understand your point , probably I would do the same if playing recreationally , online poker is just isn't long term something too fun.
I basically posted / asked questions on this forum for several years when was a beginning player.
Then connected account to pokerstars where I played zoom mid-stakes for like 6 years.
One day logged back to account and saw I have this status here . Checked if it counts for any benefits but at that point nothing else but video-library.
---
This morning I did something I usually dont do and opened up to my wife of how I feel about the outlook of my life.
Cant really do this too often ( basically whining ) but like 1 time in few years its really necessary to like clean my soul from dirt.
My wife was able to listen and understand me. It made me feel lot better.
After the personal part of our conversations she said I sometimes tilt and rant about how players play very bad and how that makes zero sense which is also easy agree on and am a bit surprised I do that but I really do it .
I really cant complain about poker or how I feel about it in generally speaking as we do all have our jobs.
Variance is basically the only difficulty on it , many people dont understand it that something like 200k hands is just like whistle and a player goes through stretches of bottom card distribution for like 200k hands , then maybe medium card distribution , then a super hot run , - then we add to that how you do in the all-ins which is like its own sort of variance . Last year I played 200-1k nl and run 100 buy-ins below EV and was on the bottom end of card distribution , these stretches are actually coming to nearly everyone who rely on playing poker full time and what helps is a high winrate but its pretty hard to not lose your confidence when these do happen .
Nearly all graphs you see posted online are graphs of 200k hands or less and people tend to enjoy posting when they are running good. Online poker is difficult but that being said there is still top winners at all stakes .
---
posting streams of thoughts when drunk is not valuable , its not helping me to get to directions I desire to go. Basically I deal with two personalities (my self when getting drunk) and myself when being sober which is trying to make up the shit I do when drunk . Its quite hard and I really need to be able to heal. Poker has lately felt like putting a plastic bag over my soul and grinding it out (just doing it for money and hating every hour) - this is not like healthy either and its not that I'm unable to take a break so that must also happen.
How I will proceed in my life is taking break from poker, slowly getting to good habits again and staying off from drinking sticking through withdrawal but not making life too hard whilst on it.
Thinking a bit of the high-stakes and getting there wife said High-stakes is for nerds . Think I need to agree . It was like 2knl where players get extraordinarily good . 1k I always won and felt is not so hard but never really made it because losing the winnings at 2k. What I said of the variance above trying shoot to play those games is kind of an absurd gamble and complete irrelevant for my bankroll to be concerned . On very soft site I do play them but action is limited .
This blog I wont post anymore, it gives a bad taste of self disappointment to spam when drunk and feel of horror when things get out of own control ...
That is how I think of things when sober. When I'm drunk no benefit in thinking at all about anything. It is like looking to the moon and howling.
Waste of time.
Weight gain, money loss, health decline, hormonal decline, relationships decline.
Alcohol is harsh when get addicted to it and it really does not give anything.
Anyway, time to exit and not start write again.
We all are a lot better at planning and setting goals than executing or achieving those goals. But that is one reason we humans have survived and become the king of species.
I strongly believe that one important key to have a good life is to have a good self-knowledge. When one understands his good and bad qualities and accepts them, the pity and hatred towards himself should diminish. Self-evaluation and reflection becomes possible, and then there is a good ground to start changing some behaviours and qualities that one doesn't like in himself.
I have being coach for small stakes players for quite many years. I have also worked with kids and youths in education, and coached in sports for decades. I would say that almost everyone who makes plans to achieve something or change something tend to make them too hard, too big, too demanding. And therefore impossible. In poker forums this can be seen a lot. There are a lot of blog starts or challenge starts, where the goal is way too big or far away. Is sounds great and good, but when it's so far away the motivation drops after start. Same thing happens with people when they plan to lose weight. Most of those fail because the goals are too far away. I always say that the power of will starts when motivation ends. When we start something we like, we have a great initial motivation. But it will fade away, and will power is required. Most of humans have really poor will power, but it can be learned. And with good planning and goal setting we can help our will power.
When it comes to addcitions or alcohol, simply deciding "not to" is not enough. Same as with poker tilt, just deciding "no to" will never work. The underlying cause is related to emotions and feelings, and we can't decide them. So we have to work them out. Problem (especially with us Finns) is that often those who have emotion based problems are not comfortable to discuss or work those out.
Not sure how much this relates to this blog or even you, but something that came to my mind when I read your blog. 
Its a good post Kyyberi!
I did mental game coaching 2019 , was really good .
Learned the reflective tools on how to understand own emotions at poker , understanding where they are coming from .
It does just take loads of practice and honestly on long run one just shuts down emotionally when playing poker.
It leads to consistency and good results but spending plenty of time in that state easily burns out .
I basically tilt when have a negative 8 buy - in session+ and feel just irritated and start have tilt thoughts and stop like really being able to think logically. Otherwise just think logically and that's it .
...
Over achieving always been the biggest problem of mine in personal life and I do know the root cause to that also. Building strong self-awareness around own weaknesses / strengths is good advice.
Basically have always been very impatient . Like if I would wait for a bus and it skips I would go crazy if have not a good day.
Dont know if these are a direction I'm comfortable talking about either but guess its quite common.
Working with kids and coaching sports sounds great!
Really develop skills and fundaments on stuff like how to be encouraging and so on .
I'm not really a guy who starts something and quits though but more like just going too hard and wasting my energy on alcohol
Basically cant handle boredom well enough for extend periods of time (which is discipline) , (which is good results in all areas of life)...
Its easier if have a day job you need to show up certain time cant be drunk etc.
Professional poker takes loads of personal level discipline and it needs to extend itself over years , if want play at high level life cant be like a weekend party then get back to it hangover on monday , lol , the other guys where studying / resting ... but this all just gets kinda serious at 1k nl and up...
And these are real reasons why Im not there