Bad Jokes

Hi, chilliyen
Thanks for contributing.
However, this isn't the place for jokes that are derogatory to a particular group of people, or jokes that are likely to disgust or offend.

Have a look at our forum principles.

Best regards,
--VS

Sorry, everyone laffed when Jimmy Carr told the joke on TV. I guess I don't have the same delivery and er....... comic timing eh?

jimmy carr gets away with a lot of really offensive jokes, he has established a reputation for it so people just expect it and don't take offense. a lot of the time its funny just because he had the balls to say it more than anything else.

if this thread was called 'offensive jokes' then you would win. ♦

my contribution: a duck walks into a pharmacy and says "Give me some chap-stick... and put it on my bill"

"Darling, in the moonlight, your teeth are like pearls"
"Oh? And just when were you looking at Pearl's teeth in the moonlight?"

I didn't sleep very well last night. So this morning I drank 3 Red Bulls and 2 coffees

I was half way to work when I realized I had forgotten my car.

Special Saturday Bonus Joke:
Children in the backseat can cause accidents.
Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?"
The bartender says, "for you? no charge."

A ditz was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the ditz, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The ditz replied......
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

A skeleton walks into a bar. He says, "Get me a beer and a mop."

I couldn't stand to be without my legs.

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."

I'm on the all-whisky diet.

I've lost three days already.

A guy meets a hooker in a bar.

She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"

He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly:

Paint
my
house

^ lol good one

Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Bonus joke:
A magician transformed himself into a suitcase, and tried to pack himself in it so he could travel as luggage.

He was so excited he could barely contain himself.

He was boasting about his success to another magician who said, "You're pretty full of yourself, aren't you?"

A man goes in to see his boss to try to take some time off for stress leave.

"Do what I do", says the boss. "When I get stressed, I go home and make love to my wife -- when I come in the next day I feel much better".

"Gee, thanks -- I'll try that" replies the man -- "I'll do that right now!"

He comes in the next day, and says to the boss, "Wow you were right! I DO feel SO much better. And may I add that you have a VERY nice house!"

riding a moped & fat chicks are fun until some1 see u on them...... ♠_o:

First Bloke walks into a pub and slips on some dog poo.

Barman says "Sorry Sir, someone will be along to clean that up soon, can I get you a drink on the house Sir".

First Bloke sits down with his drink.

Bloke number two enters bar built like a brick shit house, slips on dog poo.

First bloke says " I just done that ".

Bang crash wallop!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't get too friendly with gravity, it'll only let you down.

Black holes suck.

you can't say that