Oh good grief yes, I forgot to mention the bloody cake.
My recipe. 
Spoiler
Cakie making by Mal:
#1 Throw any recipe into the bin (I have none anyway) and use Mal's patented 'intuition method.'
#2 Take some flour and dump it in a big mixing bowl til it's about a third full. You'll need a big bowl because you have no clue as to how much to use, so overdo it just in case init.
#2a. Intuitively, you realise it may be the wrong one, take flour back out and change it for self raising instead. Whew, that was close.
#4 Crack some eggs (Intuitively I used 8) into the bowl (no shells obv, duh) and tablespoon in a few lumps of margerine, no need to measure, just lumps will do fine. Mix it up a bit and suddenly remember it's a cake and might need some sugar.
#4a. Get bag of sugar, pour half bag into bowl and some onto the table; mix again.
#5 Chuck a bag of [oh yes I know what I 've got in the cupboard I can use] mixed dried fruit in it, mix again.
#5a. Find a plastic lemon thing in the back of the cupboard [what the fuck is that for?] squeeze some in the bowl, fuck it.
#6 Mix a lot until it looks a bit like concrete using just enough water to make it wet but not soggy. I fit gets soggy, fuck it, add some more flour, easy game.
#6a. Repeat until said cake is starting to get a bit big and heavy then stop and make do with it as it is ffs!
#7 Sling it into a saucepan lined with greaseproof paper and with the handle taken off because you forgot to buy a cake dish thingy, then squash it all down.
#8 Cook in electric fan oven. You have no clue how hot it should be so start from the top and see how it goes. You can always turn it down a bit later.
#9 Check if cooked by stabbing centre with a knife; if it's cooked the knife will stay dry, if not it will have cake mix on the end. Try to watch that the outside doesn't get too hard on top.
#10 Find out the outside got too hard. Turn oven heat down to an intuitively lower level, quick.
#11 Keep stabbing cake until meh, that'll do. Turn off oven and leave cake in to cook slowly. Take out after about Xminutes (pff, don't ask me) and leave to cool, then remove and place on greaseproof paper - haven't got any left, toilet roll (pristine of course! ) will do fine fuck it.
#12 Melt a bar of chocolate (cheap) by breaking it up into a small pan and holding above a low heat til it goes runny. Spread all over the now cooled cake with a spoon.
#13 Leave to cool and stick pretty edible flowery sweety things all over it.
#14 Ply mrsgadget with a nice vin de supermarket and some truffle chocolate stuff.
#15 Proudly present to the now slightly inebriated mrsgadget, the 143kilo concrete cake with cast iron chocolate coating and wish her happy birthday. {Remember, she doesn't need to know you forgot to buy, or make, icing either, ok?}
To be fair, the cake wasn't THAT hard to cut if I used the bread knife and the chocolate coating stuff, when it did shatter, didn't shoot the flowery sweetie things so far we couldn't find them.
I was of course given very precise instructions as to how to do it by the awesome Vorpal, but my mrsgadget doesn't give a toss what it looks like anyway, as long as it's on a plate and the plate is big and the plate is full, that will do her very nicely thank you.
A fortuitous trait given that's how I cook.
She said, 'It's really nice Mal and it's the thought that counts more anyway.'
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