Vegas Virgin Diary: F**k You Pai Gow
Our Vegas newbie William Powell finally succumbs to the lure of the house games, and it doesn't go well.
I could drink my way to the right side of EV
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I was supposed to have a day off but the tournament I was reporting on hadn’t finished by the time 3 AM rolled around. They had got to heads-up play but the floor called a close to play despite protests from the rail, one of the players and me.
Instead of a much needed lie in I was back the next day to finish the job. It took exactly six hands to determine the winner and by the time I’d written the re-cap, got back to my room and had something to eat, it was early evening and I was stuck for something to do.
I was in Vegas with a few hours to kill and I didn’t want to sit in my room watching TV or surfing the net. There wasn’t really enough time for a decent session of poker so I hit on the genius idea of playing Pai Gow at the Gold Coast Casino which is a short walk from where I’m staying.
I had never played Pai Gow before as I’m not a fan of table games, but what the hell I’m in Vegas so why not? The odds for Pai Gow are pretty much 52/48, in the house's favour of course, but with drinks being free while you gamble I figured I could drink my way to the right side of EV. It’s also a relatively slow paced game so it should pass a few hours. What could go wrong?
Fuck it, I'm in Vegas, let's gamble
I vaguely knew the rules and a quick bit of research online turned up a couple of YouTube videos and articles. It looked easy enough.
For those of you who don’t know how to play it’s a simple enough game. You get dealt seven cards and have to sort them into two piles, one of five cards which is your best hand according to standard poker hand rankings which you put at the back or “behind”, and one of two cards which you put “in front.”
If both of your hands beat the dealer then you win. If only one does it’s called a “Push” and you get your bet back. If neither hand can beat the dealer’s cards you hand over your chips to the house. There are a few other things to consider but that’s basically it.
I finished my beer as I strolled over to the Gold Coast through the hot desert night air. I was a man on a mission.
I entered the casino, signed up for a points reward card and circled the tables a few times. I was looking for a $5 dollar table but the minimum bet seemed to be $10. That’s not really what I had in mind considering I only had $140 in my pocket and I briefly considered going back to my room but fuck it, I’m in Vegas, let’s gamble.
Finally I steeled myself and sat down at a table and handed over my $140 along with my points card to the dealer who passed it to the thick set Mob looking pit boss (is there any other type?). A small pile of chips was set in front of me and I was good to go. Sat to my left was a hot Asian chick and next to her was a grizzled old local, both straight out of central casting.
Hand after hand going to the house
I placed a couple of $5 chips in the allotted space and received my first seven cards of the night. I fanned them out, selected the hands I wanted to play and placed them on the table trying to look like I knew what I was doing. Straight off the bat I won the first two hands so I was up twenty bucks, and as waitress passed the table and called out, “Cocktails.” I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea, tipping a dollar when it was brought to me. I was finally living the baller life in Las Vegas.
The Asian girl told me I should gamble on the bonus where you can win more if you get dealt a hand like a straight or flush, but I said I was just there for the free drinks, thinking I’m playing this pretty smart and feeling fine. The old guy was talking about how his son would play this or that hand and about the one time he had a seven card straight flush. We were just a bunch of gamblers shooting the shit.
A few more hands passed and I lost a little back, had a few push hands and won a couple more, nothing too exciting but I was enjoying it all the same and still up from my starting stack. I ordered another cocktail and all was going to plan.
And then it happened. I could not win a hand. I couldn’t even get a push. I lost every single one and the sympathetic smile of the dealer as she turned over another of my losing hands began to grate. I tried not to let it show, shrugging my shoulders with a carefree smile, as my two pair high hand got beaten by the dealer flush and she scooped up more of my chips.
Hand after hand and my chips were going to the house. This wasn’t what I had envisaged, not at all. I even resorted to playing the bonus a couple of times, and hit lucky once with a flush to get some back. I came to my senses and knocked that on the head and ordered another cocktail to try to catch up on the dollars I was losing. Surely it would turn around in a few hands?
I can tick 'sucker tourist' off my to do list
In the middle of this bad run of cards there was a dealer change and the departing dealer motioned to me and told her to deal me some good cards.
It turned out the new dealer was from Ethiopia and learning to deal. America truly is the land of opportunity. Surely every young girl dreams of one day leaving her homeland to deal cards to a succession of surly drunks and deadbeats, listening to their stories and smiling in the hope of being thrown a couple of bucks in tips. The new dealer though doesn’t bring a change of luck, why would it?
I didn’t bitch and moan, that would have been crass, but I started to inwardly curse those fucking cards as I fanned my hand to see another load of crap. Man I hated those cards. I just calmly placed my selected hands on the table, knowing the dealer would inevitably beat the filth in front of me, and ordered another cocktail from the passing waitress.
When I eventually got trips behind and an ace-king in front and lost to the dealer’s straight and a pair I’d finally had enough and threw in the towel with $34 of chips left in front of me. Four weak-ass cocktails and about $100 down I tossed the dealer a $5 chip and said goodnight, wishing the old guy good luck, though he didn’t need it as he hadn’t lost a hand in the last hour and was sitting with a mound of chips in front of him.
I headed back to my room with just a slight buzz from the drinks and a slightly bigger dose of gambler’s remorse. I guess I can tick the sucker tourist off my list of things to do while in Las Vegas.
So what could a poor hack with empty pockets do? I went back to my room, cracked open a beer and wrote this article to try to earn a few bucks from the experience. And you know what? It was an experience, so maybe I finished up after all.
Ah, who am I kidding? Fuck you Pai Gow, fuck you.
Vegas Virgin Diary: A night out on the Strip
Vegas Virgin Diary: Greeted by Slot Machines
Vegas Virgin Diary: Las Vegas here I come
 William Powell is a freelance journalist and live tournament reporter for poker tournaments around the world. Primarily a live low stakes player he occasionally donates to the online poker community.
This is his first time in Las Vegas and he will be reporting on what other Vegas newbies can expect from the City of Sin.
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