Bad Jokes

I took the shell off my racing snail to make it go faster but if anything it's more sluggish.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his pants.
Bartender says, "Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel coming out of your pants?"
Pirate says, "Aye! It's drivin' me nuts!"

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Originally posted by FFRRAANNKKIIEE
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Beautiful.
That ranks with:

♦  I don't give a damn about apathy.

♦  Boy, nostalgia is nothing like it was in the good ol' days...

Mitch Hedberg might be the best for these little one-liners:

I am not addicted to gambling, although I am addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who'd be really mad if she heard me say that.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

and

Boy, nostalgia is nothing like it was in the good ol' days...

Hillarious, still laughing ♦

how many Mexican does it take to change a lightbulb. Just Juan

I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it!"

Dad I'm hungry' ... 'Hi hungry I'm dad

What do you do when you see a spaceman?
PARK YOUR CAR, MAN

Two people were discussing housework, when one said, "I always do my laundry in my underwear".
The other replied, "Weird, I use a washing machine..."

How to turn a fox into a cow?

Originally posted by Kyyberi
How to turn a fox into a cow?

Spoiler

Marry her.

I will never marry my fox now ♠_o:

What do you call a deer with no eye?
NO IDEAR!

Why do crabs never give to charity?

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation

A girl worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A boy never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Where does batman go to the bathroom?

♦

Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?